My girl, English version

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My girlfriend is Italian, but of Spanish origin. She is short, stubby and has crooked legs. Her name is Madonna.
She is constantly struggling with overweight and alcoholism, but not in the usual way. For example, she does not know how to cook at all, but considers herself a great cook. However, after a dose of well-deserved criticism she sometimes cries, sobbing uncontrollably, and starts chain-smoking. Thank God that I managed to make her stop smoking the pipe.
As another example, she recently cooked risotto, only she added so much white wine that we were shit-faced for an hour. And when we sobered up somewhat, she served dessert. A tiramisu, to which she added almost half a bottle of cognac. We passed out and slept until the morning as if somebody had shot us, and she snored loudly.
On another occasion, she was stewing a chicken in beer. As you might’ve guessed, the chicken was drowning in beer. I was snacking on some chips as a side, while pouring myself another whiskey. I have absolutely no idea of how to handle this.
Because of her, I am too overweight, stubby, crooked-legged and progressively struggling with alcoholism.
I say: «Madonna. Sit down, have a rest, you don’t have to cook so often. We ate yesterday, why are you cooking again?»
She does not respond, she only smokes, drinks yet another drink, swears and furiously kneads the dough. Well, I do not know what to do with her.
And we live in Oklahoma, hence the weed.
Father says: “Time to get married, bro.»
But I cannot, I’m too young, life is short, and all that crap.
Mother says: “Leave her immediately.»
But I cannot: I became hooked.
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My girl, English version

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